there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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