shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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