Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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