I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
