apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
