i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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