I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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