i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
