you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Randomize
