she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
