i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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