my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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