I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
