if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
