we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
