I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
