I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
