I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
