I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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