you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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