he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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