i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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