This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
