dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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