I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
