The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I smell like Dick and happiness
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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