I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
