have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
