I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
