I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
