I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
