Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
