I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
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It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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