He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
