I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
