My hand turned me down
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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