i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.