If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Who died my cat blue again?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
