i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You're a waste of cheezeits
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
