ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
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Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
soo... how was my night?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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