i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just threw up on my dentist
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
