Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Randomize
