i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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