My first STD was from a foam party
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
