just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
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I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
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No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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