For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
