I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
