I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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