alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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