bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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