Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
