one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
