Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
