it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
