last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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