I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
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I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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