i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
