I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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