you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
